Today I am paying with pain for my day out yesterday... Or maybe its just the nature of CRPS choosing what it wants when it wants... I guess I'll never know... Though is it really that important? Maybe not.. 

Ive been having trouble lately controlling my body temprature! One minute Im freezing cold and the next minute I am boiling hot and sweating hard out... Sweating is a symptom of RSD/CRPS which I initally didnt have! But sure do now! lol.... 

We know they call it the disease from Hell... Im sore, but thats ok... Cause Im just going to keep staying determined... The more it knocks me down the more fired up I get, fired up to fight... I cant do a lot right now due to the limitations its placed on my life but every little thing counts! Every mindset or attitude... They all contribute to how you fight and how you handle things, and the circumstances life throws at us!

I used to be a very broken girl, infact no one would recognise the girl I used to be... for a while I was a little goth dressed head to toe in black... I didnt think I deserved anything, to eat, to be, to live... I was insy winsy with a BMI of 14! I thought I was fat, taking up too much space... (ridiculous!) I endured bullying and abuse early in my teens and didnt know who I was or what it ment to live or be happy... Though I was desperatly seeking it out!

I tell you this story for one reason... HOPE!

In 2005 I was severly sick with Anorexia, Id been sick for a long time but it had all come to ahead. Id been in eating disorder clinics and so forth, but they told me pretty much that I was too sick, they said I would never recover and to prepare for the worst... If somehow I did come through I would suffer for the rest of my life... patterns, mindsets and thinking were too entrenched and the battles in my head I was fighting were too strong... 

I applied for a programme called Mercy Ministries which was in Australia at the time... 22 June, 2006 I arrived at the house in Queensland, Australia. There were 12 girls in my house. I had only had 2 days to get there from the day I was told a placement had become available... www.mercyministries.org 

The only thing I can say next is, BUT GOD! It was there I learnt my worth and value, I was able to learn to eat again and overcome the horrific fears of foods I hadnt eaten for years... Of foods doctors had told me would make me sick or fat. 

God showed me there, that I had a plan and a purpose! I learnt to renew my mind... All those wrong beliefs I thought about myself were spoken out, renounced and replaced with truths... Each time I thought the 'bad' thoughts I learnt to replace them with the 'good' ones! Like, "I am valuable", "I do deserve to live, to be happy, to eat, to live and so on..!". I didnt have to be afraid... It was there I regained my life! Even now I speak (out loud) truths over my life when Im having a hard time!

When the world had given up on me God picked me up and placed me on a high safe rock, out of the way of my foes... I faced many old demons, many painful memories but as I did God replaced them with new ones, ones that didnt hurt and control my life! 

You dont need to go to a programme for God to come through for YOU, pick YOU up, brush YOU off and hold YOU close... It just happened to be the vehicle that God chose to use for my life.... 

I tell you all that not because I want to put a part of my personal lifes journey out there 'just because', but because I want you to know that I'm not this big, brave strong girl who seems out of reach of where YOU are at! 

But that every day, I do it scared... Ive had people outside my family tell me my whole life I cant do that, or wont do that... But that just gets me even more determined... I want to prove them wrong! I proved them wrong about my serious eating disorder, my Anorexia and the couse I did at 16 that no one said I could complete as I was too young... and I want to prove them wrong about this too... 

Its not easy.. Its damn hard, but every day I will press into God! Seek his strength, grace and hope... Without Him I cant do ANYTHING!... Id be a total mess... But now, I make sure I know where my thoughts are, if theyre heading in the wring direction then I go read the truths about my life, from the bible or a devotional, or go read a CB website journal update... I remind myself of all the positives and do something to distract myself....

Sure I have bad days -- we all do -- I wouldnt be human if I didnt! But on those days I know Im not doing well, I do my best to get through and know that tomorrow will be different.... Some days it just takes getting through as best you can. Though Im blessed to not have to many of those days... You know, the ones, when you just cry all day even thuogh you dont know why? Everything and anything could set you off... When your just really emotional, lol. I hate those days! haha

But, I just really want to encourage you today, that no matter what it is God can get you through -- no matter how dire the circumstances may be -- If God can rescue a broken girl who could see no hope or future then God can rescue anyone -- and help them get through any day! 

The amazing thing is -- if I hadnt been through the Anorexia I would have never had the tools to get through this walk -- God knows it all and He is always a few steps in front of us.. Everything happens for a reason and if you let Him have it he will use it!!

You can do it -- no matter what your circumstance may be..
I BELIEVE IN YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!